I'm sure a lot of you are puzzled by the title of this post. I usually pontificate about pain in my poetry and in the stories that I write and I don't often speak about it from an obvious personal place, but some things have been on my mind lately and I want to write about them in this fashion for a change.
The start of the year for me usually brings an excitement and a sense of newness which I can get lost in. I just know that wonderful things are on the horizon. But this time around, the old seemed to blend in with the new, diluting the experience.
The weight of last years disappointments and failures followed me into 2012. There I said it. Whew, feels good to let that out! I am usually the person who tries to uplift my network with my poetry and lyrical sayings and most times they come to me in a whisper. I transcribe them more than I write them. I do believe God speaks to me in those times telling me things I so desperately need to hear. He has given me the talent of writing, communication and expression so some are fooled into thinking that I thought those gems up on my own, but I can not take all of the credit. Without he, there is no me. I write because he supplies the pen and the words. I am blessed to be credited with the byline though. Thank you Jesus!
I am finding myself recently going back and re-reading some of the things I've written for guidance in my life these days. You see I'm a person who thrives on winning, achieving and getting the things I work for, long for and hope for. Honestly lately I've been striking out on all levels and it's been a challenge. I am usually able to shake off setbacks and move on to the next goal, but not these days. I have been feeling staggered by the pain of it all. So not like me. I had been wondering why certain losses have affected me so deeply recently and in a conversation with a dear friend I had a breakthrough.
It all goes back to the beginning when I was given up for adoption. As a child I felt confused and abandoned, but only for a short time as kids adjust and put things aside. Intellectually as an adult I KNOW I am good enough. I am educated, personable, talented and some people have even said that I'm cute! Okay beautiful! See? No lack of confidence over here! But that child, that little girl deep on the inside comes out when I don't get the things that I want. She yells and screams why me? Why not me? Aren't I good enough? My adult self pushes her to the side and scolds her. "What? Of course you're good enough! Don't let me ever hear you say that again!"
The little girl then goes away sad and still feeling some kind of way. In talking to my friend about the root of recent issues, I tapped into how I feel about my natural mom and how hurt I am over our not being able to connect. My little girl me feels like she thinks I'm not good enough for her and that's why she isn't in my life the way I'd like. Also, a recent situation in my life left me feeling the same way. I know that it's not true, I am MORE than good enough, as my friend repeatedly told me. Thanks girl! I so needed to hear that. Not me, but the little girl in me. That's why I was feeling so much pain!
As adults we are expected to just brush off disappointments and failures and keep moving without a period to reflect, mourn or be sad. There is no time in an adult life to do that we tell ourselves. So untrue. We NEED that! If we don't take the time to heal our hurts then we can never truly be happy. It's okay to be upset over a loss or when something or someone we truly want is out of reach. In pinpointing the true meaning of our pain over the loss, we can then see our way to the next goal and leave the pain behind.
So I'm going to challenge myself to truly reflect over setbacks and disappointments to pinpoint any lingering feelings of pain that may be coming from a deeper place and do what I need to to heal because a healthy and happy writer is a successful writer! Hmmm, I might even incorporate some of that pain into some characters. What do you think?
QUESTION(S): Are there situations where you were let down and it affected you more deeply than you expected? What happened? Did you give yourself enough time and space to reflect on the true meaning of the pain and it's roots? If not, why not? What will you do in the future to bring healing to your situation? - Feel free to share in the comments the things you're comfortable with talking about.
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