Lyric Fire: Pinpointing The Pain - (This Is Not A Poem)

I'm sure a lot of you are puzzled by the title of this post. I usually pontificate about pain in my poetry and in the stories that I write and I don't often speak about it from an obvious personal place, but some things have been on my mind lately and I want to write about them in this fashion for a change.

The start of the year for me usually brings an excitement and a sense of newness which I can get lost in. I just know that wonderful things are on the horizon. But this time around, the old seemed to blend in with the new, diluting the experience. 

The weight of last years disappointments and failures followed me into 2012. There I said it. Whew, feels good to let that out! I am usually the person who tries to uplift my network with my poetry and lyrical sayings and most times they come to me in a whisper. I transcribe them more than I write them. I do believe God speaks to me in those times telling me things I so desperately need to hear. He has given me the talent of writing, communication and expression so some are fooled into thinking that I thought those gems up on my own, but I can not take all of the credit. Without he, there is no me. I write because he supplies the pen and the words. I am blessed to be credited with the byline though. Thank you Jesus! 

I am finding myself recently going back and re-reading some of the things I've written for guidance in my life these days. You see I'm a person who thrives on winning, achieving and getting the things I work for, long for and hope for. Honestly lately I've been striking out on all levels and it's been a challenge. I am usually able to shake off setbacks and move on to the next goal, but not these days. I have been feeling staggered by the pain of it all. So not like me. I had been wondering why certain losses have affected me so deeply recently and in a conversation with a dear friend I had a breakthrough.

It all goes back to the beginning when I was given up for adoption. As a child I felt confused and abandoned, but only for a short time as kids adjust and put things aside. Intellectually as an adult I KNOW I am good enough. I am educated, personable, talented and some people have even said that I'm cute! Okay beautiful! See? No lack of confidence over here! But that child, that little girl deep on the inside comes out when I don't get the things that I want. She yells and screams why me? Why not me? Aren't I good enough? My adult self pushes her to the side and scolds her. "What? Of course you're good enough! Don't let me ever hear you say that again!" 

The little girl then goes away sad and still feeling some kind of way. In talking to my friend about the root of recent issues, I tapped into how I feel about my natural mom and how hurt I am over our not being able to connect. My little girl me feels like she thinks I'm not good enough for her and that's why she isn't in my life the way I'd like. Also, a recent situation in my life left me feeling the same way. I know that it's not true, I am MORE than good enough, as my friend repeatedly told me. Thanks girl! I so needed to hear that. Not me, but the little girl in me. That's why I was feeling so much pain! 

As adults we are expected to just brush off disappointments and failures and keep moving without a period to reflect, mourn or be sad. There is no time in an adult life to do that we tell ourselves. So untrue. We NEED that! If we don't take the time to heal our hurts then we can never truly be happy. It's okay to be upset over a loss or when something or someone we truly want is out of reach. In pinpointing the true meaning of our pain over the loss, we can then see our way to the next goal and leave the pain behind. 

So I'm going to challenge myself to truly reflect over setbacks and disappointments to pinpoint any lingering feelings of pain that may be coming from a deeper place and do what I need to to heal because a healthy and happy writer is a successful writer! Hmmm, I might even incorporate some of that pain into some characters. What do you think?

QUESTION(S): Are there situations where you were let down and it affected you more deeply than you expected? What happened? Did you give yourself enough time and space to reflect on the true meaning of the pain and it's roots? If not, why not? What will you do in the future to bring healing to your situation? - Feel free to share in the comments the things you're comfortable with talking about.  

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Comments

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Hi Maureen! Thanks so much for visiting Lyric Fire! I appreciate your compliments and your part in the discussion!

[Maureen]

I think you are dead on when you say, "If we don't take the time to heal our hurts then we can never truly be happy. It's okay to be upset over a loss or when something or someone we truly want is out of reach."

It is ok to feel - it makes us human! It's an experience! So glad to have discovered your blog! Looking forward to reading many more posts, you have a lovely writing style and some great insights!
xoxoxoxo

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Andy, thanks so much for your kind words! I will hold them close! So glad to have met you on this blogging journey!

[Andy]

Hello Tameka.
Let me start by saying I have only known you for a short while through your writings & from interacting with you & I can honestly say YOU ARE WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH & HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH MUCH TALENT!

Life's journey can be cruel sometimes & we never really know what one person has ever gone through while travelling that journey. You are taking the right steps to healing by reflecting & tackling head on what's bothering you.

There will be times when you take the wrong path in life. Disappointments & setbacks will occur. It's ok to cry & be sad for a while, but the human will is strong & with God's guidance, you will pick yourself up, brush off your feet & start out on your journey again, only this time you will be wiser for having been through the difficult times & each experience, each direction on that path will make you stronger & more determined.

Keep courage Tameka & keep on doing what you love. If writing about your thoughts & experiences will lead to a lighter heart then I say continue to do it. We all have our trials & tribulations in life, some more so than others but when we discover what truly makes us happy, we want to embrace it & nurture it just like love. Take comfort in the friends & family who love you not just in real life but here too in blogland.

Thank you for sharing your personal reflections with us. May you always succeed in your future endeavors.

Sending you lots of love & hugs (smile).

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Thanks Alpana! That was a lovely saying. I appreciate your words of friendship and encouragement!

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Linda, you're so right. I am blessed to have many friends who care for me and the one referenced in the post is my closest friend. Having that network is so important! Thanks for your thoughts dear lady!

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Mani, I have found writing to be a very important element in my healing. Whether it's here blogging, or keeping a journal, getting my thoughts down really helps a lot. I'm glad you find it to be a comfort as well. Thanks for your thoughts!

[Alpana Jaiswal]

I respect you dear Tameka for all that you are today..for your honesty..you will always emerge a winner.
"Memory, all alone in the moonlight. I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then. I remember the time I knew what happiness was... Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise, I must think of a new life, and I mustn't give in. When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too... And a new day will begin!"

[Dangerous Linda]

Hi, Tameka! ~

Thank you for this authentic and inspiring post!

Although, we don't want to feel dependent on our friends to build up our self-esteem, and I'm sure you don't, it really helps my inner-child to be 're-parented' by consistently loving, supportive people in my life who are giving me the positive messages I never received from my parents as a child. I see that happening here with your friend, too ;-)

Good job taking care of Baby Tameka by creating that safety net of love and care. XOXO

[Manisha Bhatia]

Well Tam, I always like your reflections in your writings be as a little girl child or an adult. Both are worthy.
Would like to come straight to your questions:
Yes I have been hurt that deep and I am an ardent Gemini I move on very fast but few incidents have left scars very deep and they still haunt but slowly n gradualy my writings and the love and admiration I recieved around has calm me down and is growing me as a person day by day.

A worthy read for me Tam...Wish you al the v best for all future endeavors.

Love
Mani

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Thanks so much Jan!

[jan]

These realizations always occur at the most perfect times. I am glad you found some peace in this.

I voted.

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

So true Savira, so true. Every day of life is but a lesson. Learning and growing! Thanks for your visit!

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Pamela, I love that quote! Robert Frost is one of my favorite poets! I'm being healed in so many ways today. Thank you!

[Pamela]

Such an honest post and a form of catharsis I hope. Yes, many of us have experienced pain and need to face it, eyes open. Working through it is the only way.

"The best way out is always through."~Robert Frost

[Savira]

As we grow up we tend to tuck our inner child... so that it may not appear and when it does ... we brush it off like brushing something from the collar or sleeve...
These moments when they appear is sometimes a connection or a reminder of our past that has emerged for a reason....

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Often times when we are in reflection and learning mode it seems that everything we happen upon becomes a lesson or reminder of what we are going through and experiencing! I can so relate Melissa! Just today when I was reading blogs a lot of the subject matter was similar to mine! This lets me know that we are all connected and striving for peace, love, healing and joy! Thanks as always for your presence here!

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Jessica, yes, reflection to my mind is another form of learning and re-learning. If we do it enough it will stick! Thanks so much for your visit!

[melissa]

Oh Tameka, I am embracing your inner child.

You are right about most things that you wrote here, like as adults we are expected to brush off our disappointments but this is not true.I agree that it isn't.

There's a place called hurt in us/ in me. And I really haven't counted but they come back every now and then esp. during those times when I've resolved to be happier. I feel the sting because, for example, when someone I love and hold precious leaves, although this couldn't be all true, I feel that I'm unworthy of his/her time.

I feel a bit sensitive LOL because I was also doing my assignment with Lisa Brandel (on being true to oneself, 5 truths about me). And it's okay to be like this ~ to sit down and face the truth ~ heal the hurt, take time.

But at the same time, as Martha said, allow that child to grow within you because she also knows the deepest sense of joy along with the hurt.

Thanks for the reflection Tameka. I'll take it with me along my journey :)

[Jessica]

I love how you go back to the things you've written in the past for guidance...They can show us the stepping stones that we've used to get to the point of where we currently are and help us orient ourselves. It is important to listen to our inner voice..essential...I think the kind of reflection that you are engaging with yourself is going to lead to a lot of fruit in your life. Keep on reflecting..and writing about it...!:)

[Tameka Mullins (Tamstarz)]

Hi Martha! You are so right about us learning to better nurture our inner children. Thanks for taking me back to the biblical regarding becoming more child-like. The word gives us the permission to explore that side of us! We sometimes forget! Blessings to you and have a great day!

[Martha Orlando]

Such an honest, soul-searching post.
Yes, I think too many adults ignore or scold, as you said, their inner child. Not only is this bad when it comes to healing from hurts, but it cripples us in our journey with the Lord.
To enter the kingdom, we are to become like little children - so we need to nurture that playful, innocent, loving, open child who still lives deep within us.
Thank you for sharing your marvelous thoughts here. Oh, and I, too, in my writing, give all the credit to Him!
Blessings!